girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I deserve to be covered in dicks
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
