the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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