we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
