Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
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