I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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