I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
