she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
