My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
