I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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