I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
