u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
