Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
