I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
