I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
not ubering you a puppy
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
