What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
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