THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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