i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
