Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I want her autograph on my taint
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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