I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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