I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
