Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
