So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
