They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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