Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize