don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
