I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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