I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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