neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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