Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
