the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
3pm strippers are depressing
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
