this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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