This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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