I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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