I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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