so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
