I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
