Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
