I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
