My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Randomize
