i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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