She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
