If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You need Xanax blowdarts
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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