You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
