I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
