I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize