all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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