I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
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