I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Randomize
