I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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