I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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