Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
