why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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