So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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