I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
