I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
