Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
