The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
