I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
