WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I will be naked everywhere
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
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