they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
