OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
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