Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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