you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize